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Celebrity Big Brother

I woke up yesterday on 6 different occasions will a full on erection.

The DSSCHUTZSTAFFEL

‎’The DSSCHUTZSTAFFEL’

Stop my money,
I don’t need any
food is for mings,

On the game in Kenny.

I’ll wait for 50 minutes,
for you to pick up the phone,
Waiting for you to say ‘no’,
Chucked out my home,

I’m living on peas,
and tesco lager,
is it my fault?
that you were abused by your father.

It’s christmas you fool,
I need cash,
Not for ale, 
the peas need mash.

Merry Fucking Christmas you gang of cunts.

Ian

‘WHO’S FAMILIAR WITH LUDACRIS?’

Here’s a poem, written live, half pissed at 7.15 am. It’s called,

‘WHO’S FAMILIAR WITH LUDACRIS’

Rising Peaks and devastating lows,
Our hearts have come to blows,
You took that round,
I took that round,
Our love mopped up,
Placed in the lost and found.

I just wanna see your tits,
I don’t really like you,
I’m buying you dinner,
to make your tits bigger.

Can I rub your bum?,
whilst I rob your buttie
No?
I’m stronger than you, it’s happening.

Valley’s of love,
a heartfelt flow,
Rivers of Jizzum,
Takin’ over the show.

I’ll meet your folks,
and make them like me,
but behind their back,
I’ll be shuffling coffee.

I’m in love baby, forever, me and you.

MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY, GET OUT THE WAY BITCH GET OUT THE WAY.

Ian

George Osborne

Here’s a poem I’ve written, just then, live, whilst on the bog about George Osborne.

Slick back, Cutback,
Snake head, 
I’ll tax you.

Welfare, limbo,
Paying off Chrimbo,
No Paxo.

Osborne, Reborn,
Blue boy porn,
De Facto.
 
Ian

BUTTFAST BOOGIE

‘Can I buy you a drink?’

I said with revolting charm,

‘Get the fuck away from me’,

She said, pointing to her rape alarm.

I laughed as I walked away,

Mind still on knickers,

‘She’s a lesbian’, I thought,

As she was sporting Kickers.

I moved on to the abattoir,

Lit a ciggie on the way,

‘With this skinhead’, I thought,

‘I’d have better look being gay’.

I entered a neon tart hole,

But never any tart,

Pipe up you’re on the dole,

You’re as welcome as a curried fart.

‘Can I buy you a drink?’

I said with boredom, laughing,

She just turned away,

So I fucking webbed her. The cunt.

Ian Archbold

Ravel Shoes 9T8

I had a pair of shoes in year 7 in school that caused me to get bullied for a year. I wanted Rockport but we couldn’t afford that so my folks got me a pair of Ravel loafers with a buckle, very nice shoes that just two years later would become a mainstay in school life for all the knobheads. The abuse I got from day one was hurricanous. Looking back though I have to congratulate the bullies for the words they used to describe my shoes. These words lit a bush fire of intrigue for me to use words that shouldn’t be fucking used together shithole monsters anal river. Two of my favourite names that these total wipeout amoebas used to describe my shoes were thus:

Pasty Slappers.
Jamaican Jail Joggers

This is from kids who were 11 years old. Thanks cunts xx

An ode to a fraud

‘The light bounces off the reflecting cotton,
as the brain dies in a minute,
She creates shadows with her gargoyled mutton
thus giving accent to her shivved winnet.’

 

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